This post has been in the pipeline for a few years, as every time I thought of writing, it became too overwhelming to contemplate. Now I now finally have the strength and peace I need to write it properly. It is not my intention to divulge lots of personal information but to give help or comfort to those who have been through similar circumstances as ourselves. Let me explain.
The bible says in Psalm 34 v 18 ‘The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart’. This verse has been very precious to me over the past couple of years. It is with certainty that I can say at some point in our lives we all understand what its like to be ‘brokenhearted’. Very often we experience this during times of mourning over the loss of a loved one. Whether the grief is a sudden loss or an expected outcome of illness, the pain can hurt us all in different ways.
Specifically, I have experienced this type of grief through two miscarriages. In May 2010 Andrew and I were happily enjoying family life with our beautiful little girl, who was almost 9 months old, when we discovered we had another little blessing on the way. We felt abundantly blessed. Life was good. Unfortunately, 11 weeks into the pregnancy at a routine hospital scan we heard the most horrifying words an expectant parent can hear – “I’m sorry”. In the space of a few minutes our world was turned upside down, never to be the same again. Just thinking about that day brings back the knot in my stomach and lump in my throat.
It was the lowest I had ever felt, physically, emotionally and spiritually. There were no words that could give comfort or people who could encourage me. All I could think about was WHY? WHY had this happened? WHY had God ALLOWED this to happen? WHY was my baby gone? These questions haunted my every thought for a long time. As a Christian I know that my comfort should have been found in the Lord, but I was so low I found it difficult to pray or even open my bible. This may be shocking to some people, and you may think it represents a weakness of faith or lack of trust in God – but that was not the case. It was merely shock and normal human emotion that numbed me. However, I knew the presence of the Lord was with me, reminding me over and over again that my baby was in Heaven. Despite my grief and despair at that moment in time I knew I would meet this little baby eventually. The wonderful thing that I can now appreciate is that there were so many people praying for us and the Lord was answering those prayers, by continually reminding me of the splendour of Heaven. It reminds me of the account in Exodus 17, which describes how the men held up Moses’ arms towards Heaven when his physical human weakness overwhelmed him. Other people were spiritually holding me up to the Lord for comfort and for this I will be eternally grateful. If you prayed for me, I want to say THANK YOU!
The Lord brought us through that difficult period of our lives. Sadly in September 2011 we suffered another miscarriage, but again the Lord brought comfort and hope. Our faith was strong though our hearts were broken. We have since been blessed with another 2 beautiful children and my prayer is that one day in Heaven my family with be united in the presence of the Lord. This little poem has brought me so much comfort over the past few years
Now Is Not All There Is
When your heart is breaking – now is not all there is!
When your arms are empty – now is not all there is!
When you long to see them – now is not all there is!
When God asks you to walk back into life – you can do it because now is not all there is!
If you have experienced miscarriage, still birth or infant loss, I mourn with you and I understand. There is no magic formula to sooth your broken heart. Only the comfort of knowing that our little ones are with the Saviour in Heaven. Never let that vision be clouded in your mind and NEVER let the devil take that vision from you! My favourite verse in all of scripture is Revelation 21 v 4 where Heaven is described as a place where “God shall wipe all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: the former things are all passed away.” Can you imagine how amazing it will be to have NO pain, NO death, NO crying! Hold on to that thought in your lowest moments and ask the Lord to imprint that vision on your mind. It excites me to think about meeting my babies and nephews/nieces who are already rejoicing with the Lord on the streets of gold. My life here on earth is blessed beyond measure and for that I am thankful. But the best is yet to come! Praise God!